real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize