Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
