all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
