Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
