Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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