Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
