I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
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Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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