I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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