Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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