So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
