I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
