he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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