Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
