I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
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