I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
