my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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