Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Randomize
