I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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