I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
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You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
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Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize