sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
