How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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