dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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