Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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