just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Who died my cat blue again?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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