Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
