i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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