if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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