He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
