thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
