I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
She bit a glass in half.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
