Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
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