While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
