i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
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He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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