If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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