I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
