Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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