I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
