Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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