im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
