i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
