I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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