Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
