I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
