Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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