Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
