I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
