Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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