I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Randomize
