Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
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