Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
