Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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