does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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