He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
