God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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